Big brother is watching.

The shackles of language and measureable time

Had driving class today. I rock at driving. Am aiming at getting my licence before summer (you may laugh).

Been thinking about myself (SURPRISE). How come I'm so focused on my romantic life? Whenever I'm successful there, my whole world lights up (very rare occasions). If/when things mess up, all aspects of my life do too and I become depressed. What a viscious circle. Okay, it's not even a circle, but you know what I mean. An internet friend wrote about this phenomenon in her blog - it's obviously a known psychological phenomenon, and I'm not alone with this. Poor me.

And ohmigosh, Swedish readers, check this out. Akaporr - academic porn! So me.

I don't mean to be melodramatic, but...

Monday - humiliation
Tuesday - suffocation
Wendesday - condescension
Thursday - is pathetic
by Friday - life has killed me
...

Why did you stick me in
self-deprecating bones and skin
do you hate me? do you hate me?
do you hate me? do you hate me?
do you hate me?

And this day actually started off great. I swear, it's gotta be hormones, because this is just not normal. Rollercoaster of emotions a la early puberty/pregnancy/menopause=annoying.

This is weird. I posted an entry that I didn't really want to post yet, and now it's gone. I mean, I just realised I wasn't done with it after I'd clicked the button. Weird.

Masochist

What's wrong with me? Do I have to think too much? I know that when I think too much about something (read: Jailbait) I just get sad. Yes, it's fucked up, but the least I can do is stop thinking. It's easy, a lot of people never even start.

CAS sucks

Wanna know what I just did? Decided which 20 blog entries will be submitted as my CAS portfolio. I don't see why it shouldn't count as creative writing. But I still won't let Iaa, my supervisor, read it. This is private stuff, between me, half of IB2, the whole of IB1, and maybe some guy from Norrköping (you know who you are).

Oh.

He wants to meet me again. And he thought I was cute. And he wants me to come visit. Oh.

summertime - and the living's easy

FIX ME

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Fix you

Just let me rant some about how much school sucks. I mean... Technically, it doesn't suck. It's kind of nice, actually, and with 73 days left until graduation, I can't wait. There's so little time left. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW

LITTLE

TIME

is left?

Three feelings I'll have after graduation

• Hopelessness
• nervousness
• emptiness

It's not like I'll miss my class all that much. I wish we were one of those stereotypically tight IB-nerd-classes, but we're not. Maybe our class just had too many cool people in it. Cool as in "cool". I'll miss having things to do, and at the same time, I won't know what I want to do. See my dilemma? I'll miss some people of course. BUT, I don't think I can live for too long if I don't call them on a regular basis, so that's no problem.

This weekend was so very very boring, except for jailbait. Other than that, it was filled with The Princess Diaries 2 and pistachio nuts. I hate not having money. Oh whatever, me and the rest of the Spice Girls are going out in two weeks, to celebrate that we'll never have classes again. Can. Not. Wait.

Sad: my last class in high school will be maths. I hate that.

Oh, and also: the class of 2006 will lower the school's average grade. I swear, we're the worst slackers ever. Det löser sig.

Don't you push that button.

What if people stopped erasing things from their blogs? I mean, sentences they were not fully satisfied with. Sure, there'd be a lot more grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, but can you imagine all of the juicy secrets we'd read about?

I'm thinking; a politician just wants to relieve himself from the burden of heavy state secrets. He intends to erase the entry as soon as he's written it, but little does he know about the new world order (implemented by Natalie). Or the fact that all of my blogging IRL-friends would have to share their deepest secrets with me. I am a very curious person, so this is juicy stuff for me.

Speaking of secrets, chech out PostSecret. It's cool. I want to send them a post card but my heart would be broken if mine wasn't chosen. What, my secret's not worth as much as their secrets? Besides, I don't know what secret I'd choose. You see, I have so many. Hah! You wish that new world order thingy would start working now, dontcha?

Double barrel buck shot

My uncle has this habit of always asking me how I'm doing with the boys. "Have a boyfriend?" "Just back from a date?" "I hope your boyfriend's not black." (Actual quote) In these cases, I have four primary options:

1. Ignore him
2. Tell a counterjoke, thus escaping
   
3. Nod and smile
4. Joke along, "Yes, I have three actually", "Yeah, it was great, don't tell mom", "No, he's albino".

Tonight was an amazing night. As uncle asked me for the umpteenth time if I was just back from a date, the answer was simply a "yes..." and a smile. Beceause I had been on a date. Not the first date, not the last date, but still - a rare date.

Jailbait was nice. He's cute, smart, funny, mean. The way I like them. I'll try not to say too much, but yeah, it was nice. He was nice. I think I need jaibait in my life. Actually, any kind of mancandy would be great. I'm not picky.

Updated!

The links are fixed - please check them out. If you're bored. Natalie-approved. *adds stamp*

If you think you should be there, you can let me know and I'll graciously consider it. Don't get your hopes up though, this is a very exclusive list. The Swedish Prime Minister is on it. Yeah, it's true!

To me you are a work of art

Hot:
Lovesongs with long titles (Like To me you are a work of art by Morrissey and Lover, you should have come over by Jeff Buckley)

Not:
CAS-questions
CAS-diaries
CAS-forms

And oh my god... is there a Wiki article on the IB? That's either Hot or Not. Haven't decided yet.

You have killed me

Okay, so this adress is going around more and more. It's cool. If I haven't written about you and explicitly said I hate/love you, assume that I ignore/hate you. If you're in my current class or school, suck it up.

Morrissey is just becoming cooler and cooler. Yeah, I know I'm late. Entering the indie-stage now is what everybody else did when they were 16. Speaking of 16, I might have a date with what I guess could be referred to as jailbait this weekend. Details to come. (However, details will only be given if outcome of date is good. Which means that you'll probably be able to conclude how it went just by scanning my blog entries for the word jailbait. I like it.)

Shout-out to Miko's GF Sp1an, she and her blog rocks. Säg hej till publiken.

Yes, I write about pathetic stuff here, and this might come as a surprise to you, but I'm very often a pretty pathetic person. Okay, pathetic is the wrong word, because I'm really pretty groo-vay. However, I'm egocentric and a Gemini. If that makes things more clear, I'm glad.

Right! Parents left for Poland with grandmother just an hour ago. Home alone until Friday night; coming over for "a cup of tea"? Or maybe some Salsiccia sausage?

Oh yeah, I'm gonna try to fix the links here soon. They haven't been updated for three eternities, and some of my favorite blogs are not there. Redrum.

Self-made man

I wonder why I'm so depressed. Is it because I'm hung over? I don't think so. Hangovers do not necessarily mean depressions. It took chocolate, almonds, coffee and Smallville for things to become less shitty.

Yesterday was fun. Kind of. Yeah, it was fun. Met some old friends at this club, The Tunnel (yes, it's actually called The Tunnel in Swedish too). Check out the logotype, looks like some weirdly rounded ass with a thong. But anyway. I met Marko, a friend from högstadiet (or junior high? Whatever...), and that was great. He was as handsome as usual, and also tall. Which was great. But he was kind of creepily friendly, for a guy having a girlfriend. And I think he does. Other men who were creepy include Miko, who was pushing me up against the wall all of the time. He's creepy. Yet it was his party and his punch I drank, so I'm not complaining.

At least I got to dance. And explore a new club. I like doing that. A girl can only visit KB a limited number of times before she needs to expand her horizon. One weird thing about last night was that The Tunnel is widely considered to be a bratty, snotty and very fancy club. Okay, not VERY fancy, but fancier than KB. And guess what? The DJ played Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit. A totally weird experience, seeing people in super-expensive clothes with million dollar hair cuts and diamond jewellery jumping around like mad little lambs, in the words of Mike Skinner.

So, the topic of the evening was my so called depression, right? Yeah, I don't know what's wrong. Maybe it's just (pardon my pretentious wording here, but it's true) the usual loneliness, i.e. the absence of a flirt and/or more. Lame? Yes. Understandable? I hope so. Soon-to-be-over? I really hope so. But:

• I don't have time to get a crush, because I'll start obsessing and becoming really depressed, which would take a lot of time. Valuable revision time.
• There's absolutely nobody I could imagine having a crush on in my life right now.

Yeah, so much for that list. My point was that I think I need some kind of excitement (not that kind of excitement) and some diversion from everything. And some hugs, you know? And some nookie.

Weekend

Fri
3/4 of Brokeback Mountain
2 hour phonecall from 17-year old

Sat
1/3 of Bag-in-box
Party @ Joey's
The Tunnel, VIP

Sun
Nothing
Whatsoever
Except for maybe
The last part of the movie
And another phonecall

Survey time

FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE
1. Library assistant (i.e. the person that puts the books back on the shelves. Yes. Think about how hard our work is. And neverending. Stop borrowing books.)
2. Camp leader
3. Folder folder
4. Paper packer

FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER
1. Donnie Darko
2. Disney's Beauty and the Beast
3. Girls Just Want to Have Fun (you bet!)
4. Gone With the Wind

FOUR CITIES YOU'VE LIVED IN:
1 . Uppsala
2. Malmö
3.
4.

FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH
1. Alias
2. That 70's Show
3. Gilmore Girls
4. Friends

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION:
1. USoA
2. Turkey
3. Tunisia
4. Prague

FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY:
1. Lunarstorm!!!
2. Bloglines
3. Hotmail
4. Gmail

FOUR PLACES YOU'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
1. My bed
2. Australia
3. New York
4. South Africa

FOUR BANDS YOU LISTEN TO A LOT RIGHT NOW:
1. Bright Eyes
2. Coldplay
3. Queens of the Stone Age
4. Saïan Supa Crew

Damnit. This thermo cup makes me burn my tongue on my coffee all of the time.

Where Hitlers bordssamtal is an account from the time period being discussed, Mothers in the Fatherland: Women, the Family and Nazi Politics is a treatise on women in the Third Reich, written by Claudia Koonz and published in 1986. Its main purpose is to inform about and discuss, according to Koonz, a previously unexplored topic. The treatise focuses a lot on Gertrud Schultz-Klink, the chief of the Women’s Bureau under Hitler. The value of the book is that it is a thorough analysis and that is gathers a lot of information on the topic of women in the Third Reich, in addition to a close scrutiny of Schultz-Klink. Also, Koonz has the benefit of hindsight and can thus draw more accurate conclusions. Limitations of the book include that it is one of the first on the topic, which means that the research abilities are limited, and the narrow focus with Schultz-Klink as protagonist might mean that some greater themes are omitted. Also, it can be argued that a lot of modern historians approach a historical topic with a preset attitude, i.e. with hopes of verifying their own hypothesis, thus making the treatise at hand less objective and less accurate in its conclusions. Since this book, too, is written prior to the fall of the Berlin Wall, one might assume that the political situation of the time period affected Koonz, both in her research and in her analysis.


I AM BORED AND I AM WRITING STUFF THAT SOUNDS DAMNED GOOD. I WONDER IF THAT IS NORMAL. AND IF THERE'S A CONNECTION.

0 comments

0 comments, 0 comments, 0 comments. Are you still alive?

I never meant to

So this is when I get all hangover-deep and profound, despite the lack of a hangover.

I don't know what I want and it feels like being lost somewhere. Somwhere nice, like an amusement park, but that can turn creepy any time, with the clowns and the lights and the strange people. I have all the rides there in front of me, and I can find money on the ground and I can buy tickets and I can go on whichever ride I want to. I know it's only a matter of time, though, before I start getting scared and have to throw up in a corner, and the puke will be pink from my cotton candy.

Awesome metaphor (simile, to be precise).

How do you choose what to become when you grow up? I mean, it's an immense decision that will affect the rest of your life. How can all the store owners, personal shoppers, car rental people and office prisoners have decided what they're going to do? For the rest of their lives?

I don't know if I'm an extraordinally annoying control freak that needs to plan her future, or if it's only healthy. But I really wish it'd come to me, like in a dream. You know, an epiphany, a revalation, that shows me my future. Natalie in a french maid outfit. Natalie in a white coat. Natalie speaking on national TV from the White House. Natalie living in a carton?

I guess I'm obsessing like this because I don't want to do my biology lab reports. They're boring. And also, I'm thinking about Ian a lot. Too much? I think so. And it's not like "Oh please come back" but more like "Wow, we could've had it so great" and then it hits me - right, he wasn't interested. And it's stupid, because it only serves to confuse me and make me feel worse. *Slaps self* STOP IT!

Come on, Eileen

I was supposed to write something here. Damn it, I totally forgot. I swear, it was something worth blogging about.

Wait!

No.

Okay, I'll just bitch about school, as usual. It sucks. Okay? And like 54 days left until exams, hey, no pressure. I'll get to doing lab reports now. God bless me.

Why, look at that.

The computer is back, and so am I. Obviously!

Thank God I'm in denial about my studies and can sit here without feeling guilty. But seriously, most of my stuff is done. Pretty much. Only some lab reports to go. No prob, Bob! Uh, yeah.

Mock weeks officially over. History was the worst, just like I predicted. I think I haven't really admitted to myself how much I must have sucked. 55 days left until exams start. SO little time. I need to get crackin on history. And math. And biology. Gosh.

Here ya go, a picture or two.

Jompa, yours truly, Ylv-man. Yeah, I have a gap between my front teeth. It's me, the hillbilly from the Simpsons and Madonna.

Kajsa and I. We're cute.

yeah i'm alive allright

i just hate elgiganten from the bottom of my broken heart.