I never meant to

So this is when I get all hangover-deep and profound, despite the lack of a hangover.

I don't know what I want and it feels like being lost somewhere. Somwhere nice, like an amusement park, but that can turn creepy any time, with the clowns and the lights and the strange people. I have all the rides there in front of me, and I can find money on the ground and I can buy tickets and I can go on whichever ride I want to. I know it's only a matter of time, though, before I start getting scared and have to throw up in a corner, and the puke will be pink from my cotton candy.

Awesome metaphor (simile, to be precise).

How do you choose what to become when you grow up? I mean, it's an immense decision that will affect the rest of your life. How can all the store owners, personal shoppers, car rental people and office prisoners have decided what they're going to do? For the rest of their lives?

I don't know if I'm an extraordinally annoying control freak that needs to plan her future, or if it's only healthy. But I really wish it'd come to me, like in a dream. You know, an epiphany, a revalation, that shows me my future. Natalie in a french maid outfit. Natalie in a white coat. Natalie speaking on national TV from the White House. Natalie living in a carton?

I guess I'm obsessing like this because I don't want to do my biology lab reports. They're boring. And also, I'm thinking about Ian a lot. Too much? I think so. And it's not like "Oh please come back" but more like "Wow, we could've had it so great" and then it hits me - right, he wasn't interested. And it's stupid, because it only serves to confuse me and make me feel worse. *Slaps self* STOP IT!