epiphany

WOW it's difficult to blog well when you feel bad. Wow.

My shoulders are frozen

It's November now. Yes, I do realize it's been November for 22 days, but nevertheless, it's November now.

November is cold. It's 15.5 degrees in my house now. I'm in bed, with thick socks, pants, a t-shirt and and a sweatshirt (my new red Malmö Borgarskola one!) on. I am also currently wrapped in a blanket and holding my feet under the cover. Sean, my lovely, faithful and portable computer is in my lap, warming the tops of my thighs. And I'm alternating between coffee and tea in huge, yellow cups. Still cold.

Cups are no good if they can't hold a lot of tea or coffee or whatever. Yes.

November is also the time for The Great Depressions. Lonely? Here, have a depression. Stressed? Have some more depression, why don't you? Sad? Have you tried these November depressions everone's talking about? You really should try one, they're extra strenght. The kind that can make Louise from my class break down and cry because she forgot to bring an eraser to class, or that can make Tina Nordström throw a fit when the tomatoes haven't been chopped into small enough pieces by her assistant before the show started. We've all had them, though we might not have realized they were November depressions. Well, I'm telling you now: they were.

Was in Lund today. Thought I'd get an idea of what I want to do after graduation. I didn't. This is what we saw:

1. An information thingie about the Pol Mag program. Seemed pretty cool, with a bunch of career opportunities. And also, it's all about human sciences which suited me just fine. Lots of UN and government-esque work. I like the UN. I don't like economics though, and the major subject here is national economics.
2. Another information thingie, from the Department of English. The only one in our group of four who was actually interested in language studies was me. Kajsa and Simon just came with me because they didn't have anything better to do, and Martyna was being informed about Economics. Yeurgh. The informer lady person was boring and she told us everything about the course in such rigorous detail. Oh yeah, there is no language program or anything like that at LU. You can only take separate courses in the languages you want. And if you want to take English, you have to start at this super basic level, with a lot of grammar and phonetics. That's just too easy for me. I'm thinking of going away to an English-speaking country for like six months, and taking some literature classes there. That would be fun. Seriously. I'm drooling at the thought of it. Please stop laughing. Maybe I'd go as an Au Pair. Not that I love kids, but I do love English. And going away. Yes. And making money. And spending money. And I do have the credentials, don't I? Summer camp must count for somtehing. And the IB. And me being Swedish, that's cool, right? Hello Wisconsin!
3. Last, but not least, we checked out the Faculty of Law. Seemed really cool. Don't know if I have the stamina for 4.5 years of super studying, but it would be cool. Really cool. Cool. I need new words. But yeah. Law... hm. A lot of opportunities. If you have the brains. And the stamina.

Yes. I don't know if anyone cares but if you don't then I don't care about that, because I kind of need to tell myself that people read this, or I'd just stop writing. That would be one Nobel prize down the drain.

And since it's November now, it's gonna be December soon. December is the month of my 6 month anniversary with blogger.com, which means my blog entries from June will start disappearing as I write new ones next month. If you want to know what I was like this summer, read some of those. I had a lot more time then, so the entries are long. Not that this one's short or anything, but those are like LONG.

PICTURE TIME!!!!!

Martin. I miss him. He's coming home in the beginning of December. Yay!

Extremely non-flattering pic of me and Johanna at the biology field trip in September. We look mentally challenged. Funny thing: We are.

Another set of mentally challenged friends. Love them.

rebus

EQUALS

Ice cream is nice

your shoulders are frozen (cold as the night)
oh but you're an explosion (you're dynamite)

Uhh, I feel sick and I want to sleep. I've been home all day today (my mom said I shouldn't go to school and who am I to object?) which means I've had a lot of time to think. Thinking is good... sometimes. Sometimes, like today, it sucks. All I've been thinking about is myself (of course), my school, my crush, my family, my future... All of which produce negative thoughts, which push me down into this black hole. Okay, so it's not a black hole, it's more like a gray... a gray valley, but still. It's not as nice as for instance ice cream. Pity me.

Ice cream is nice. Really nice.

Okay, here's the deal. I like school sometimes. I like reading books and analyzing them in detail, discussing every aspect and finding 500 little, seemingly unimportant details on one page, that later turn out to be hugely infuential on the plot of the book. I like writing essays on novels, short stories, poems and plays. I like using the two languages I'm actually good at for playing with, and I enjoy building beautiful sentences. I enjoy varying my language to the point of absurdity, and I enjoy observing grammatical similarities and stylistical differences between texts. I love it when I can tell what a foreign word means just by associting it with other languages, and I love when I find that the three languages I take have some kind of similarity.

Ironically- really bad English in this entry but I'm too angry to care.

Today, there was a meeting in school with our guidance cancelor, and I started thinking seriously about studying in Lund next year. So I told my mom, and she asked me what I wanted to study. I don't know, I say, I just saw some class about English literature and some language-culture stuff and it seemed interesteing, but I'm not really sure what profession I could have after that. My mom starts dissing everything I say, claiming that I'll end up as a teacher just because there won't be anything to do. Well... duh, that's what I just said, but why would I become a teacher? No offence teachers of cyberspace, but teaching is not something I'd like to do. My mom keeps repeating this, and she's been doing this for like three years now.

No, she says, don't take a year off, you won't want to go back to school and you'll end up at "Lärarhögskolan", just to pay your bills. Don't study languages, there's nothing you can do after that except for teaching and reporting, and we've been through this before, there's no future in either. You wanted to become a journalist when you were a kid, but thank God, your Dad convinced you otherwise when you were 16. The result of this, however, is that you have no future goals whatsoever, and no aims, and no dreams, except for a vague vision of general prosperity and happiness.

Yeah. I ask my mom, come on, you have to realise that there's more I could do after language studies except for teaching and journalism! Mom says she really doesn't think so.

I think I know there's other things to do, but no matter if there are or not, languages are the only school subjects that really interest me and the only thing I could picture myself working with for the rest of my life. It's kind of dramatic, but it's my life, and I want to do something good with it. And I want it to be fun. No, I don't want to end up teaching, but I REALLY don't want to find myself halfway through some lame engineering program in three years, because I don't even like science. I don't want to be a doctor, because I don't think I have the stamina for it. I don't know what I want to do so fuck you, everyone.

I've slept three hours this night so I'm gonna cry some more now. Bye.

Hi. I don't know what to do after graduation. I mean, I have no idea.

Whatsoever.

Please help, what would be a good profession for me? Pleasepleaseplease. Give me some suggestions.

...and oh yeah:

I dyed my hair. Looks a little summin like this:

Imagine all the people

Smoking and drinking and trying drugs
Talking to strangers at clubs and pubs

Deep, huh? Profound? I might use that in a song lyric in the future (since when do I write song lyrics? I wrote a song in 9th grade, as a music project. The chorus went like:

You’re too fat, too thin, too wrong, too loud
Too shy, too weird, too “where’s the crowd?”
Too insecure, too self-consumed, too sad

Quite the masterpiece if I may say so myself.) so please do not steal it!

Oh, I am just one lucky lady. Shortly after my previous entry, my mom decided that I couldn’t walk around in my old, “pink”, Chucks anymore. Have you seen them? They’re like three big holes on each shoe, held together by some grey fabric and rubber. I love them, and I think that having skanky Chucks is like a sub-culture to indie, but still. I needed new shoes. Thus, my mom went out and bought me new shoes, simple as that.

I wonder if this fall break will be remembered as the Great Shoe-break of ’05? I mean, last Saturday there was the black fuck-me pumps from Vagabond (I guess they wouldn’t be classified as fuck-me pumps by the Sex and the City-gals, but in my universe, they are) and now, these magnificent creatures in black leather, off-white canvas and white and black rubber.

Anyway. Since my last entry was about me sitting at Café Vinyl in new black Converse, I think there’s a connection here. I had no idea, when writing that entry, that my mom would buy me a pair just a few days later. I mean, I dreamt of it, and I saw it with my inner eye, but I didn’t really think it would happen. At least not that soon, and after so little persuasion from my side. So, today’s question is: does this work with everything?

I mean, so if I can imagine myself with Ian in a nice restaurant, with me looking ab fab and him drooling all over his steak (but not due to the food, if you know what I mean, harr-harr-harr), it’s going to happen like next week?

Sweet deal. I’ll imagine world peace next time.