So. This entry will be pretty shitty and if you don't like shittyness, fuck off. I feel bad now and I'm about to tell cyberspace why.

As you all know by now, I'm totally obsessed with my own and everyone else's looks. I'm a typical, superficial teenager, but at least I have enough common sense to realize this myself. Anyway. I also know that no matter how hard I try, I'll never look like a model and I'll never be "beautiful", at least not in the eyes of the general public. Tough titties. It took me some time to realize this but I'm pretty okay with it now.

(Electricity just went out in our neighbourhood. I like these laptop-thingies. Won't be able to actually post this until tomorrow morning, though. If I even decide that you're good enough to read it.)

And if not, I'll just become one of those girls who says with false pride in her voice "I'm proud of the way I look, I really am", thus rendering herself the admiration of her girlfriends, who are still at the infantile stage of "Ohmygod, I'm so fat. How did you get so thin? It's so unfair!", but who at the end of the day comes home to approximately twenty-seven Snickers bars because she really isn't proud of the way she looks, she really isn't.

However, I'm still this attention whore and I can't seem to get enough praise for my physical being. (Wondering why all three points on my list were about male attention to my looks? Here's your answer.) Maybe it's something from my childhood, who cares. I'm here and I'm shallow. You, dear readers, seem to have understood this and you also seem to accept it, maybe even appreciate this fixation and the humorous confusions and stir-ups it leads to. Fine. I'm here to entertain you. I am also a Chandler Bing-type clown with juuust the right amount of excessive self-humour to make everyone uncomfortable and sad. Now on to my point.

I won't even begin to touch on the subject of media and the modern society's fixation with the "beautiful" woman. (But I can try: DON'T YOU STUPID ASSHOLES KNOW THAT THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN? The image in your head of Heidi Klum or Jessica Alba or whoever has been given you through decades of thorough indoctrination and brainwashing. And don't tell me it's biological, because according to genetcis, you men would all find Roseanne very attractive. Please read The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf for further or any coherency in this paragraph.) Wondering why all feminists are ugly? Because we get bitter after a while. "How come She gets everything for free? Just because She's thin and has fuck-me eyes doesn't mean She deserves that [insert unfairly distributed good or service here] more than I do." It's enough with just one or two incidents like this to make a woman bitter. It starts as a little notion in the back of her mind, a notion which this woman is forced to entertain by her common sense and self respect. The next time the choice stands between this woman and a She, the woman has a fire in here eyes, an intimidating urge for the above mentioned good or service. Therefore, the law of everything's shittyness (or just a cowardly person's action) makes it so that the woman is once again disappointed. It's a circle, a spiral heading downwards.

I really wish I could make that more understandable and less discriminating but I'm too upset now.

This evening I was thoroughly disappointed by a long-time acquaintance (note the dramatical absence of the word "friend") and what pisses me off the most is that I actually cared so much. Not about the source of the insult - I have no fantasies or dreams about the person's empathy or intelligence or whatever. But why did that get to me so much?

All my life I've been taller than most people around me. In elementary school, I was the tallest person in my class and I can't say that I was proud of it, because even then I realized that my influence over the lenght of my body is extremely limited. However, I don't think it bothered me. The comments about my length were usually those of admiration, both from boys and girls, from children and adults.

By junior high, my position as the tallest girl in the class was pretty much edged in stone. As a tall girl you might feel
a) Different
b) Masculine
c) In everyone else's way
d) Too loud, too annoying etc etc

Not being exactly model-thin didn't help either. (Here is where I have to watch myself very carefully not to make this entire entry about myself and how bad everyone should feel for me.

On the other hand, I warned you from the start.) The point is that I've felt bad about my length for most of my life, and I've been frighteningly much like Snickers-girl in the beginning of this entry. Yeah yeah, I'm tall like a model, but all women and girls around me have always been (and are still) pretty damn petite. As much as I love them, I didn't have a role model to show me that I'm not disgusting just because I can't borrow a pair of jeans from girl X in my class when there's a party somewhere. I honestly hated my physical being for a very long time (and sometimes I still do). This probably backfired somewhere along the road, making me the person I am.

In a greater perspective: WHY do I feel bad about being "too tall"? I'm not even freakishly tall or anything, just taller than average I guess. Is it because it Just Isn't Normal? Well, person-who-insulted-me, you if anyone should have some or any compassion with people who Just Aren't Normal.

Being "too tall" is such a small and banal thing. It doesn't affect my health in any way, and I can still walk inside a house without constantly hitting my head against the ceiling.

Now, some justification. For the record, Person, being "too tall" hasn't bothered any of my admirers so far. As much as I bitch about it, they DO come by from time to time. And I don't think they're falling for my awesome personality. Purely physical, know what I mean?

Still-

your physical being is such a small thing. Your body will once die, whereas the memories of your soul can live on forever.


I hope I can leave this shiznit behind me now. I also hope I have the courage to publish this in the morning. But most of all, I hope this made any sense whatsoever to you when you read it, because it made a lot of sense to me when I wrote it.




EDIT: Whoa electricity.