Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.

I've been chatting to this guy from Lund. 22 years old, good writer, funny and friendly. Really great, right? It's not like I was looking for a new Erik or something, I just wanted to chat to someone. SO... after only a few days he gave me his phone number and said that I could send him a text message whenever I was online so he could go online too. That was a good system I thought, since he had the same, weird sleeping habits as I do. So we chatted for a couple of days, and he was realy keen on meeting me. I insisted that I wasn't looking for anything romantic or anything that would lead to an IRL-experience, and he seemed to accept that, only to ask me again in a couple of hours. When I said I didn't know what I wanted, he started analyzing it, making it a very big thing. Making it seem as though I had a trust issue or something.

This only made me want to meet him even less, so the next time he asked me I said that I just wanted him to be my internet friend. He was already kind of upset, but it got a lot worse. I don't remember the exact order of things but I remember signing out of MSN Messenger because I couldn't talk to him anymore. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry - I mean, we've known each other for five days! "How can this be such a big deal for you?" But he seemed to take it so seriously that I felt like I couldn't just walk away for ever and ignore him. For some reason, he was so much more serious about it than I was.

He sent me two text messages, telling me that he really wanted to talk, "the anxiety is gone now", and could I please come back so we could solve things because he really liked me? I enjoyed talking to him too and I didn't want to finish things like this (I guess I was affected by his seriousess - what "things" were there to finish?!), so I came back. He asked me over and over again what I wanted, if I only wanted us to be internet friends. I told him that yes, that is all I want, and "why do you keep asking me that question all of the time? Do you think I'll change my mind?" He said that no, he just wanted to be sure about my decision.

He also said that during the half hour I'd been gone, he had slit his wrists again, something he hadn't done for six months. He said that it wasn't my fault, but that most of the anxiety he had felt before was gone now. I was scared, terrified. I asked Ell to come online and I told her about what the guy had said. She too said it wasn't my fault, because we had only chatted for five days. It couldn't possibly be me.

After a few minutes, he had worked himself up to this rage, he was extremely upset and wrote that I was evil, that I had used him from the start and that I had never meant to meet him. I was confused and angry and of course, I realized that this reaction was totally out of proportion to the things he was talking about. Of course I never meant to meet him - I'd told him that from the start. I only wanted to talk and flirt with him and that's it. He knew about this because I had told him about my bad experiences with internet crushes, so I understood that something was really wrong with him.

It's weird that you can care about someone as much as I did about him after only five days of sporadic chatting. I really liked him becasue he was so sweet.

After the namecalling and things, he said that we should just take five minutes and not talk. I agreed, thinking he might calm down from all this drama queen-ness. After seven minutes I asked if he was there, and he wasn't for another two. Then he said that he had to go. I asked him where he was going, and he said the emergency psychiatric ward. He said he was sorry and that he couldn't take this anymore, and that it wasn't my fault. I was shocked and didn't really know how to react. Then he told me that he had slit his wrists again, deeper than ever this time. He had to get to a hospital. I started crying and feeling dizzy and told him to go there quickly. I asked him to send me a text message when he was there.

I haven't felt that bad in a really long time. I started hyperventilating and doing irrational things, and decided to call Ell and ask for help or advice or whatever. She said she would come over. For this I will be eternally grateful.

While waiting for her, I started watering plants and stuff to keep myself occupied. It was so bizarre and I couldn't believe what was happening. Ten minutes after the phonecall I got a text message saying "I'm there now. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!". I was relieved, thinking he would have some professionals to help him now. In the middle of picking strawberries, Ell came in to my garden.

We talked and watched a movie. She helped me forget what was going on, and when I remembered, she explained it all and made me understand it.

For a while, I was sure that the guy was just faking it. I imagined him sitting alone at home, texting me and being a fucknut. After I got a message asking me to come online, I really started to wonder. How could he be home an hour and a half after going there? Did they really let him go home that soon?

This morning I got a mesage from him, saying he had updated his blog on LunarStorm and that it explained everything. And it kind of did, it said that he had borderline (between psychosis and neurosis), which was why he had been acting that way. After reading the blog I spoke to hom for a little while on MSN, and he said that he still wanted to keep talking to me. He wanted me to understand that he hadn't hurt himself because of me, and that it would never get as bad as it was last night again. I'm not sure what to do. I have been give the advice not to talk tgo him again, because it will only get worse. And really, the only reason why I would eventually keep talking to him woul be that he's funny and smart. But is that reason enough, if you should weigh the pros and the cons? Besides, I don't know what his doctor said. Maybe he too thinks it's a bad idea for us to keep talking.

I'll try to analyze this some other time. Right now, it just feels good telling someone.